I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
