I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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