I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
