Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
