ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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