every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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