He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
