My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There r osticjed everywhere
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize