Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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