Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
