Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
