My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
