he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
