I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
