Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
