please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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