she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
