I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
His nipple licking is glorious
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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