Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
