Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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