Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
