He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
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