According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
