Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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