Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The air was thick with penises
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
