When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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