He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm really busy with my period
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