So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
