DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
