I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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