Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
