either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
