Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
