No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
