How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dicks are not precious.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
