I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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