Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
