dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I could fuck to npr.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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