My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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