He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
