you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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