he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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