I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize