you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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