I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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