I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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