you have to choose: penises or morals?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
