it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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