Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
