Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
