So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
