im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
