i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think pants incapable of making pants work
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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