so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
