Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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