everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize