alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
