Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
